My Truth. I am Grieving.
Yesterday, I took some time to explore other blogs. Research. I read about the lives of strangers I have never met; sharing their favorite foods, clothes, places to adventure...and I was envious of this light-hearted approach to life. I also realized that my blog would not fall in line with the others. I have to be honest with where I am right now. I am grieving and that is my truth.
My husband just texted me an "I love you" and sent me this video, a treasure that made me cry and smile. I share with you all a very intimate moment in my life. Last July Rob proposed. I knew my Mom was living for this news and I wanted to surprise her. I delivered her favorite Mellow Mushroom pizza and handed her the receipt with my left hand. Rob caught this precious moment on his phone, one that I will cherish forever. Her laugh, smile... everything - (God I miss you).
I love reading other blogs, adapting recipes and following clothing trends. But something I realized quite quickly, I am not that blogger. I am grieving. And I am taking you (my readers) through my very real, muddy journey of what that looks like. Grief is nothing like I expected and I am still exploring the unknown depths. Some days I get out of bed, fill my cup and carpe diem the sh*t out of life. Other times I am paralyzed by grief, unable to form sentences or structure to my day. I have quit everything that makes me uncomfortable and am finding more of what feels good. I have flashbacks daily of the trauma our family went through. I relive moments like a video playing in my mind. It's a form of surviving.
When I was in teacher training at Y2 Yoga, I would refer to my classmates as gladiators. We were surviving the hottest and hardest yoga, emotionally unraveling who we thought we were, only to discover who we were meant to be. The Phoenix rising from the ashes; a romantic approach to becoming. This was "training". I would need to learn how to endure this level of discomfort and growth for my future self. Looking back, I also realize the value in seeing everything we do as a stepping stone for future self. We may not always be able to see it that way. But trust the process of becoming.
Love and Peace,